I have no idea what to do. I view my previous actions and thoughts and conversations. I can't understand myself or others. I feel like crap. Regretting the things I've done and the things I've said yet still regretting more the things I left undone and things I wished I'd said. I feel like I've fallen down a water fall with another larger one ahead with no idea how deep the pool is below. I hope to only fall only alone and drag no one else along. I want to fail alone because no one else deserves to be draged down to my level. I've screwed up on relationship and another, I don't know what I did wrong. I have several friendships that have been messed up and I know it's my fault. I regret my actions and wish I could of saved others from the side of me I hate. I can't sleep some times from my friends problems and my own. I am not even sure how to type any more of this. I guess I can try.

Have you ever dreamed of hurling yourself off a mountain?
Hoping someone cared enough to make the effort to try to catch you?
Did you see the clouds and the beautiful sunset as you rode the winds downward?
Did you grow cold from the rush of cold air biting into your flesh as you fall earthward?
Faster and faster? Did you close your eyes, savoring the numbness that the cold gave your body? Did you use that as a distraction of the pain your emotions were causing you?

Was there someone in particular you wished would catch you?
What if there were several others willing but you selfishly cast them aside only focused on that one person? Did you feel bad afterwards? What if you didn't? What if you knew you should, but you didn't? Or if you did feel bad, but tried to ignore it and wanted only that one person to catch you?

What if they ignored you as you fell?
What if they looked right at you and then turned away?
Could you accept that and save yourself?
What if you couldn't? What if you fell deeper and deeper?
And you crash? Are you going to let someone else pick up the pieces?

What if they start to piece you back together, but you don't want them to and
yet it seems like you can't stop them?
What if you ask them to stop, but they gently don't?

Does this even make sense?
I'm not sure, but I've ranted enough for 2:15am. Good night.